i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
