dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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