i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize