I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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