i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize