I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize