sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
