shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
