Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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