I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
