hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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