Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
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