So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
