I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
