bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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