His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
