No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
should my penis look like a turkey
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
