i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
