On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
