what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
