I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
