what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
