I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
