Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
