I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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