I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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