I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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