Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
