It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Soap is not a condiment
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
