My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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