this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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