She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
