So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
