I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
