Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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