I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
