you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
