i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
