Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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