planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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