the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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