you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
