the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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