"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
