Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
