you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
