The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
