P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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