Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
