i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize