Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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