i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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