god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
