I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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