dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I look better un-naked...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
