I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
