I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
