All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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