I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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