yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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