I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
