I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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