Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
