I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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