You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
