I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I came so hard my ears popped.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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