I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
