Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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